How do I tell my partners that I have herpes?


[00:00:00] All right guys, so I am gonna tell you guys the script as to how to tell your partner about herpes or hpv, cuz that has come all up a lot. Not only in my practice, but you guys have been asking me a lot. So here it is. First, let's discuss. I know you're sick of hearing, we talk about herpes and hpv, or maybe you're not, but quick things. 

Hpv, 90% of us carry herpes. 50% of us carry. We don't always know that we have it because we don't necessarily have symptoms. Hpv, you'd only really know if you had it on a Pap s. Um, for women or if you happen to have had warts, and those are two separate types of the HPV virus, the broad subgroups, there's the type that causes pap smear changes, the type that causes warts, herpes. 

Again, you might not know you had it because you can carry it here or here without having any symptoms. No colds, no symptoms, and you unwittingly had sex like once with a condom and you got it. So both are very common. Both are very easy to get. Both should not be shame. . All right. So how do you talk about it with your partner and [00:01:00] do you have to talk about it with your partner? 

So, I am not your conscience. I am not here to tell you what to do, but I am here to tell you that , as someone who's telling you what to do, I think you should tell your partner. I think that it is appropriate for all of us to disclose if we have something that we can give to someone else. Um, I think the best way I can kind of drive that point home is if you are dating someone and in a couple of weeks or months you find out that he knew he had something. 

And he did not inform you, you'd be bummed. That doesn't mean be self-flagellating and don't beat yourself up if you haven't told your partner yet. But maybe use this as an opportunity to say it. So here's what I tell people to say, because you have to remember that many men, and again, your partner might be a man or a woman, and if it's a woman, she may know more about this. 

But many men just don't know about it. They don't hear about it from their gynecologist. They just don't learn about these things. So many men, Are, um, able to hear this from the lens of like, oh my God, she's gonna tell me something bad that she could give. Because they just don't know the facts. So you have to be cautious. 

Don't enter into the [00:02:00] conversation with like, oh my God, Maya culpa. This is terrible. I have something terrible to tell you that I have that. You know, don't walk into it thinking that you've done something wrong because you haven't. You haven't been dirty. I assume you have not been promiscuous, and even if you have been promiscuous and you got it, That's still not a reason to feel bad about yourself when you're trying to tell them something. 

So what? You need to say something like this, or exactly this. If you want, Hey, I don't know how much you know about herpes and hpv, but they're incredibly common viruses. 90% of us carry HPV and 50% of us carry herpes, and many of us don't even know that we have it. At this point in the conversation. Most men will stop and go, yeah, I don't have those things. 

I don't have it. I don't. I don't have that. I know I don't have it. I mean, I don't have symptoms. I know I don't have it. To which you need to graciously reply. Well, just like I said, many people don't know that they have it and they don't have symptoms. Meaning you can have cold sore virus here or herpes virus there, or the HPV virus.[00:03:00]  

Anywhere and not have any symptoms. You won't have any lesions. You won't have any sores, and you wouldn't know that you don't have them. Now the guy will come back with, oh, well I got tested so I know I don't have it. And now you need to be the educated one. Cuz remember from some of my videos what I've said, you need to graciously say back. 

Well, as it turns out, when people get tested for STDs, they get tested often for hiv, hepatitis, syphilis, and chlamydia, but they don't always get tested for herpes. So unless you specifically asked or unless you actually have a piece of paper saying, HSV one and HSV two negative. Then you actually might not have been tested, and your doctor might have very well said, oh yeah, everything's normal, but that doesn't mean that they tested you for herpes. 

And you, Mr. Cannot be tested for HPV because there's no male PAP test equivalent and there's no blood test for hpv. So again, you might not know you have it, and you might have been tested, but there's a decent chance you haven't been tested. Now, are there some guys who yes, don't have [00:04:00] symptoms and yes, actually have blood tests showing that they don't have it? 

There. Not a ton is my guess, but there are, so let's say that's the case. Okay. Well then you can decrease transmission of the herpes virus by taking something like Valcyclovir, um, once a day, every day. That's the medication that we use to treat it, but it can be used for prophylaxis. And by using condoms, will that a hundred percent treat it? 

No, it won't. I don't mean a hundred percent prevent it. No, but it'll decrease it, right? So if you don't have open sores and you take the medicine once a day and you use condoms every single time, you'll decrease the chance. Now, could they still get it? Yes, they could. Is that devastating? No. I'm pretty sure you know what I'm gonna say about it, right? 

Once we enter into a sexual relationship, people, we have to accept that this is an adult endeavor, and with it comes certain risks that we cannot completely prevent. Much like, and I use this analogy lot in my office. When I get into my car every day, I know that there are certain risks, right? Without even, um, absolutely. 

Like concretely thinking it every day I have in the back of [00:05:00] my mind, okay, if I get into the car, I could get into a car accident. So I'm gonna try to prevent that. Bye. I'm not gonna be drunk, I'm not gonna be texting, I'm not gonna be videoing, I'm gonna be driving a safe car. I'm gonna make sure my car's, tires are okay. 

I'm gonna make. I have safe, you know, I have, um, airbags. I'm gonna make sure all those things, right? That's like your mental checklist. And despite all that, you get into your car, whether or not you think about it concretely, you're getting into your car every single day with the fact that there is still a small risk that you're going to get into an accident. 

But on that given day, it is more important for you to get to work than that teeny risk that you're gonna have an accident, right? So it's the same thing when you enter into a sexual relat. You're gonna do your best to make sure that you are psychologically and emotionally ready to be having sex with this person. 

That you are physically in a safe situation. This person is not going to physically harm you in any way, and that you are gonna take precautions. You're going to use condoms, you're going to use birth control. You're gonna try to decrease all your risks, and yet you're gonna accept that if you do get exposed to. 

That's [00:06:00] okay. It can happen. The likeliest thing, if you get exposed to anything once you've used condoms, is only gonna be herpes and hpv, which are the least onerous of all the STDs. And the most important thing is to make sure you don't let it affect your psyche. Okay? Okay. Peace out on a Sunday night people.