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Vol 2 Miscarriages

Shieva Ghofrany: [00:00:00] Good morning everybody. It's Thursday. I'm in Musk G's. I'm in my hospital gear. Don't worry, it's covid free. Um, so this is volume two. Part two of you had a miscarriage. It sucks. I'm gonna keep saying that. I know people don't like to hear me. Use the word. . Well, my mom in particular doesn't like me when I swear, but I gotta keep saying it because there's no two ways about it. 

It sucks. So as much as I will and want to be and forever, um, advocate for being the cheerleader who says, You will be a mother. Don't worry. And I try to say that without saying like, look on the bright side, cuz I kind of wanna punch people when you're like in the midst of the dark side and they say things like, look on the bright side. 

So I hope I haven't ever said to any of you guys look on the bright side though. I'm trying to get you to look on the bright side , which is you will be a [00:01:00] mother if you're having a miscarriage. If you have had a miscarriage, if you find out you're gonna have a miscarriage, the likelihood of you not being able to mother is like beyond. 

Now, here's what this theory entails, is that you accept that it might not be easy to become a mother. In other words, in a perfect world, we would all get pregnant. No miscarriages. Perfectly healthy pregnancy. Perfectly healthy baby, perfect life. But that does not work. As we know when we really look at our lives, we are not, um, we're not setting out to have the perfect life or if we are setting out, we are very quickly, early on in our lives groomed to understand that there is no perfection, that things happen all the time, and that whether or not we've addressed that, Or acknowledged it. 

We have overcome things all the time, and if you don't believe that or real realize that, like take a second right now to stop and think, what are all the things I've overcome in my life that if you told me preemptively I was gonna have those [00:02:00] things, I would potentially be in a puddle on the floor. But alas, I've had those things and I'm okay. 

Not only, okay, I'm thriving in different ways. Right? That's probably true for the majority of you. So I can say to you with confide. If you tell me you wanna be a mother, I'm telling you back 99.9%, you're gonna be a mother. Now, what I cannot tell you is will it be a spontaneous pregnancy with no miscarriages? 

Will it be a spontaneous pregnancy with no potential birth defects? Will it be a pregnancy where you need help from a fertility specialist? Will it be through adoption? Will it be through surrogacy? I don't know all the different ways you might need to become a mother, but if your goal is to become a. 

You will get there. If your goal is, oh, no, no, no, Shiva. I wanna be a mother. I want it to be easy. I wanna have no heartache. I wanna have no complications with anything then. Sorry LA girls. You're like, shit outta luck with me cuz I will never promise you a rose garden. As I say, I will promise you, in fact, as I say frequently, To my children, even [00:03:00] shit is gonna happen that I can promise you. 

But I can also promise you that if we keep our wits about us, we can handle that shit and we can get through the vast majority of even the worst things people have and do get through it. You guys have examples in your own minds right now of things that you thought you could never overcome that you did. 

So the miscarriage, it sucks. And please let me say to you, 10 billion times over, it's not your fault because there's nothing you could have done short. , and I've said this to many of you, and I say it tongue in cheek and joking, and if you did do it then don't feel terrible cause there's probably a reason you were addicted. 

But short of you saying I smoked some crack, you probably did not cause a miscarriage. And I don't mean probably like, I doubt it, like probably like the vast, vast, vast majority of time you couldn't have caused it because too harm. That little nugget would be really hard. You would have to take major pains to do it. 

It wasn't that one glass of wine. It wasn't when you had sex. It wasn't even if you told me you smoked pot a couple times. It [00:04:00] wasn't any of those things. It wasn't you thinking that you weren't excited to be pregnant for that millisecond because you wa kind of wanted to like go to your best friend's wedding and get drunk. 

It wasn't like, oh my God, you feeling a little bit guilty that you found out it was a girl instead of a boy? It wasn't that you had a termination when you were back in college or. School. It was not any of those things that caused your miscarriage other than just they happen. They suck, but they happen. 

And again, once you realize that and you get through it and you get to the next pregnancy, which is likely gonna give you a full term healthy baby who will then drive you crazy. Then you realize that you can get through it. You realize that all the stuff that you couldn't get through, you thought you couldn't get through, you actually can get through as bad as it again, just sucks. 

So one concept that I've heard talked about by many people, including one of my favorites, Tiara of Mama Collective, is this term Tressen, which I hadn't really heard of before. And when I look up the definition, it seems to imply that [00:05:00] time immediately after having had a baby, that we don't discuss enough. 

I think, I don't know if I'm right, but my interpretation of Tressen, and if I'm not right, I'm still gonna use it as this is like the entire time surrounding the thinking of having a baby, the actually getting pregnant, the going through the, the potential miscarriages, the growing the child, the child bearing, and then the child rearing when they're little. 

I feel like that whole period of. Is Metres essence to me. And interestingly, I have to say as the d O b I think I'm supposed to be like, it's so wonderful, is so beautiful, just filled with such elements of love. And I have to be honest and tell you, I'm nine pregnancies and three kids into it and I remember the most deep , um, overwhelming sense of happy. 

When that last baby came out and I knew that I was never gonna have another pregnancy, it was the most [00:06:00] edifying relieving feeling I've ever had. And I know maybe I'm not supposed to say that cause maybe I'm supposed to be like, oh, aren't you just sad you're done having babies? But I'm saying to all of you who are just on the beginning cusp of it, there's gonna be people out there who are gonna be like, oh, but it's so beautiful and it's so wonderful, and you're just at the beginning. 

And little people, little problems and all that BS that I hate people saying. I'm gonna say this to you. I found it really nerve-wracking. I found it really overwhelming. I found that all those things that I was supposed to just be so in love with, I wasn't so in love with because it was just nerve-wracking. 

It's not like that for everybody. Some women are so deeply lucky or just have a different viewpoint. Maybe they're more positive than I am, and they truly love every aspect of being pregnant, and God bless them and I mean that. Just like I can be happy at four in the morning and many of you apparently feel like you can't. 

Um, that said, for those of you who feel like I do, it's okay. Like I didn't love the whole trying to get pregnant and then getting pregnant and then being worried and then going through miscarriages and then feeling all fat and puffy and swollen, and then the births were challenging for me. And anyway, all of that. 

Was just [00:07:00] nerve wracking. The day I knew that I was never going to have a person inhabiting this person again was so relieving to me. So I just want you to know that as you embark on the cusp of the beginning of this experience that don't let people kind of snowball you into. Feeling guilty that you're not in love with it. 

It's okay to not be in love with it. It is a means to an end. There will be aspects that you do love. I loved when the baby moved inside me. I thought that was like a fun little secret. That was actually probably the only thing I loved about pregnancy, by the way. But it's a hard thing. It's really emotional of all the things I've been through in my life, and as you know, I've been through a lot, like without you guys even knowing all the details. 

But just like the nuggets that you do know, the miscarriages, the cancer, one child with an intrauterine stroke, one child with a clubfoot, like those are just the nuggets. The part that chunk of my life that I would not want to ever return to the most is that that whole time of trying to get pregnant, because it's just so like anguish provoking for some of us. 

So I say to you, a, whether or not [00:08:00] you had a miscarriage, it is not your fault a thousand percent. I know that. You have to ride that fine line between God, this just sucks and okay, but it could be worse and I know that I'm gonna become a mom. C you have to remind yourself you're gonna become a mom. Like this is where starting with the end is very helpful, right? 

We never thought that we were gonna get through life, Scott free. . We thought things would happen, things were happening, but you're gonna be a mother. Like that's just, I'll guarantee it, personally. Guarantee it to all 21,000 of you who are watching or whoever is watching this right now. And D, if you love the process, then God, that's amazing. 

I'm so glad. But if you don't love the process, then I get it, sister. And it's okay. It doesn't make you a bad mom. It doesn't make you guilty. It just makes you completely very human. We all like different things. Thank God. That's the beauty of it. We're all different people. We don't need a world full of the same people. 

Like a world of Shiva would be a fucking crazy world. I think we all know that. So we all need to be different, and that's [00:09:00] okay. But again, if you had a miscarriage, if you're having a miscarriage, if you find out you're gonna have a miscarriage, I love you. I'm sorry it. Yes, you will get through it. And when you do, look at that next baby that comes out, that's the baby that's gonna be kicking and screaming and crying. 

I want you to look at that baby and go, oh my God, if I hadn't had that miscarriage, I would not have had you right here. And I know sometimes that sounds dumb because you would've had the one that miscarried, maybe that baby would've been just as good, but it doesn't matter cuz it's one of those things we do to come for ourselves. 

And I think about that all the time. I had had two miscarriages and then my son zander, and then four miscarriages, and then my son. and then my girl fairy had just popped outta nowhere as a surprise, . But I think all the time, had I not had those miscarriages in between, I would not have those two boys. 

And those are the two boys I want, even when they drive me crazy. Okay, I'm gonna end on this cute, fun little story that my kids all know. Pretty much everything that's ever happened to us because I don't think it's worth hiding it. I can't hide it cuz as you know, I talk too [00:10:00] much. So they know that I had nine pregnancies and they will occasionally be like, oh my gosh, mom, you would've had nine babies. 

And I'm like, uh, yeah, no. I hate to tell you I wouldn't have had nine babies. Like I would've actually had two babies. Like that was my plan to have two babies. So had I never miscarried, I would've had only two babies. I probably would've been more compulsive about birth control, and then I wouldn't have had that third baby, and I can't imagine life without those three particular babies. 

Okay. The other part that I think is important if you've gotten to the end, is the minute you find out you've had a miscarriage, if you tell anybody about it, Lord, people come out of the woodwork. Your mother, your aunt, your mom's best friend, 10 of your friends. It's like HPV and herpes. By the way. The minute you talk about it, you realize everybody's. 

It's just so common, so I encourage all of you as women, if it's really raw, you obviously don't have to talk about it publicly, but at some point when it becomes less raw, you would be [00:11:00] doing yourself a service. By feeling bonded to other women and realizing how common it is, and then being able to go, oh look, they seem really happy. 

I will get there. And not to put pressure on you, but you would be doing other women a service. Because the more we know about anything before we go into it, the more we can demystify the angst, the less anxious we. Right. That's my whole reason for being on this platform is the more knowledge I can give you guys about your female health, the less anxious I believe I can make you. 

So the more I tell you about all these things, like here's what might happen, and I don't wanna say it in a like, you know, ominous way, and I don't wanna say it in a, um, manifesting it way. I just wanna say it in a, like, these are the things that might happen. Hopefully they're not gonna, but if they happen, , they're really common. 

This is what we'll do about it. This is what it's gonna mean, and you're still likely gonna be okay. Okay. As you can tell from my dry puffy [00:12:00] face, it has been a bear of a week, although I did get a great night's sleep last night, so I cannot complain. I just looked puffy today for no good reason. Um, alright. 

That was part two, part three. When we talk about having to stop a pregnancy that was wanted for. , various reasons. That one's gonna be hard and sad. Um, and that's it. I hope y'all are good and anyone who's out there going through it, please know you are so not alone and you're gonna be okay. Okay.